My second year of university starts tomorrow and I’m not sure how to feel about that. In the past few months I’ve said yes to a lot of things. Looking at that list, I feel two things simultaneously: genuine excitement that any of it is happening at all, and on the other hand, a nagging uncertainty about whether I can actually hold it all without dropping something important and urgent.
Last year during my first conversation with my tutor at university, I asked him how he makes time to do so many things. He said something about getting older and how with age1 you get better at knowing what actually matters and what doesn’t. I doubt I’m there yet, but he also compared life to juggling, and how once a ball’s up in the air, you can’t dwell on it; your focus has to shift to the next one.
I used to think being productive meant being busy, that the fullness of a schedule was evidence of some grand form of ambition. The most proactive people I know are often the busiest so naturally for a long time I assumed that was just how it worked. You care about things, take them on, and figure it out as you go. What nobody tells you is that there’s a version of that which is genuinely energising, and also a side that’s just anxiety wearing a productivity mask.
Having experienced both in the same week, there is an interesting feeling of ‘activation’ that comes from having too much on, a forced focus that feels almost like flow. And then the crash, the moment when the adrenaline runs out and you realise you haven’t actually rested in months and one unexpected email can make everything feel like it’s falling apart. Somewhere in the middle of all the chaos, I started doing something I’d never really done before: saying Actually, I’ll think about it instead of Yes.
For someone whose default setting is enthusiasm followed immediately by commitment, introducing a pause between the two has been incredibly difficult. It still feels slightly like letting people down. But protecting your time isn’t laziness, it’s what makes it possible to actually show up for the things you’ve said yes to. Being productive doesn’t mean you have to be constantly at capacity because rest is part of the work too, even when it doesn’t feel like2 it.
So, here I am on the eve of Year 2. There are a lot of balls in the air. Some of them I threw deliberately; some of them were thrown at me and I caught them before I’d really thought it through. A few I’m still not sure I should be holding. But that’s the thing about juggling; you have to stop staring frantically at your hands and look at the apex- the bigger picture of why you’re doing any of this. You have to trust your peripheral vision and the rhythm you’re building. The only thing you can actually control is what you do right now, with this moment. Be that an email, a lecture or another problem sheet3. I don’t know which balls I’ll drop or which ones will surprise me by staying up longer than expected this year. I don’t even know if I’ve taken on too much or exactly enough or somewhere in between. All I can do is focus on the next throw, and that’ll have to be enough.
If you find yourself juggling too, whatever that looks like for you, I hope this was (somewhat) useful. And if you’re figuring out how to say I’ll think about it for the first time, know that it gets easier, all with time.
- Wisdom seems to be a function of age, which is frustrating. If a professor is 60 and knows what matters, and I am nearly 20 and don’t, how many breakdown emails do I need to send before the equation balances out? ↩︎
- And feelings are not facts! ↩︎
- Past experience tells me that as soon as one is solved, another manifests to take its place. ↩︎
